I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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