After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
