I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
