Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
