So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
