you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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