im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
