I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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