my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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