Don't make out with my wife yet
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
