Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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