I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
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we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
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Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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