the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I would ride that face into the sunset
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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