So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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