Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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