This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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