when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
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Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
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Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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