this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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