I heard we made out
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
