im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
