If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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