Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
