totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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