Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
