I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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