allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
