i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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