we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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