I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
