well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
