Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
