Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
