I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
