He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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