is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.