Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
