I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
