I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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