i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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