Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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