you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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