so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
