I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
