...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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