im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
