Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
