WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
