You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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