I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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