sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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