I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
