My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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