Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
