the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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