The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
