things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
