you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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