I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I checked into jail on foursquare
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
