You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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