genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
